Marriage is long, at least it can be. There are billions of experiences, feelings, and words that transpire over its course. Some are mind-blowingly amazing. Some just blow. But they all make up this complicated thing we call couplehood. At Modern Family Mediation, we chose a paint theme for the website because it reminds us how messy couplehood can be. Emotions, like subtle hues, can be hard to describe. Mixing paints can be hit or miss. We may start off thinking purple and green will look fabulous together, but the combo actually gives us the ick. We call second families “blended” for a good reason. People, like colors, may be one way when they’re on their onesies, but place them in close proximity to other colors and their edges blur into new shades. To bring this metaphor all the way home, as part of a couple you are an artist, co-creating with your partner. You two work together to create a vision, and along the way, things inevitably get pretty messy. Think of Modern Family Mediation as a way for you, the artists, to take a step back from your mutual creation, see it from a fresh vantage, and make sure it’s coming out the way you both want it to. During mediation sessions, you can learn new techniques to improve the implementation of your vision, you can get inspired by the things other artists are trying, you may even want to clean up some of the mess that’s getting in the way of productivity.

My philosophy on couples mediation

There are three powerful stats that demonstrate how important marital coaching can be for couples—especially those in their 40’s:

  1. A spouse will think about divorce for six years before requesting one.

  2. Silver divorces (involving people over 50) account for one quarter of all divorces in America. This number has doubled since 1990.

  3. Almost 50% of marriages end in divorce.

So here’s the tough lovin’ truth, my friend: If you’re in your early 40’s and your marriage is meh, the odds are not with you. It’s time to prioritize your marriage. Be present in your relationship, here and now. Your future self will worship you for it.

How mediation can help

Strained communication is the biggest threat to a healthy marriage or partnership. When a couple fights about the same thing over and over, refuses to understand each other’s perspective, or plain old stops talking, it’s time to pick up the bat phone. Sometimes a good book like The Four Agreements or Hold Me Tight can do the trick. But if you and your spouse require more accountability, mediation provides safe space to talk through challenges, break bad habits, and reinvent yourselves.

In our family mediation sessions, we’ll start with an data-rich intake process then target your specific growth areas, for example, intimacy or money. For homework, you and your spouse will focus on these growth areas, serving each other as committed and loving partners. During sessions, we’ll activate mindful communication skills during productive, forward-moving conversations that result in a strong written marital agreement.

There are three types of couples I see:

Healthy couples

We see our doctors annually to make sure our bodies are fit and healthy. Why not do the same for our marriages? Think of couples mediation like a regular check-up. If there’s something “off” in your relationship, you’ll become aware of while there’s time to turn it back “on.”

Couples experiencing a major life event

The way you and your partner present to each other during big moments makes a big difference in the health of your partnerships. A supportive response during a time of stress assures your partner that they can trust you. A low-vibe reaction, like secrecy, anger, or avoidance, provides terrific fodder for future battles. By checking in with a family mediator prior to major life events, you and your spouse co-create a future based in mutual alignment and thoughtful care. Here are some examples:

  • Getting engaged

  • Having a baby

  • Buying a house

  • Parenting 5 to 7-year-olds (trust me here—this is when many people feel overlooked / taken for granted in their marriages and get into trouble)

  • Going back to school

  • Recovering from an affair

  • Changing careers

  • Blending a step-family

  • Becoming caretaker of elderly parents

  • Anticipating a change in physical abilities

  • Empty nesting

  • Retiring from the workforce

These are perfect moments to get on the same page, renegotiate the terms of your marriage, and most importantly avoid a divorce. This process requires your full effort, but as the saying goes, “Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. Choose your hard.”

Couples for whom divorce is just not an option

Perhaps your religion does not allow you to divorce. Perhaps you cannot afford a divorce or just don’t have the emotional or physical capacity to go through it. Perhaps you will do anything it takes to keep your family intact. Determination and commitment are HUGE factors in keeping couples together. HUGE!

If you and your spouse are fighting all the time, but absolutely fixed on staying together, it’s time to learn healthy new communication skills and create smart and compassionate agreements that will ease your interpersonal tension. Here’s a special gift for you to start making the shift out of conflict mode: https://www.orenjaysofer.com/stop-arguing. This article is so good, I wish I wrote it.

Bottom line, friend, if you’re ready to prioritize your marriage, get humble, be accountable, work hard, take risks, and maybe even get a little nooky, you’re in the just-right headspace for couples mediation.

My philosophy on divorce mediation

My hunch is that you’re dreading this process. You might be feeling overwhelmed, scared, ashamed, disappointed, heartbroken, lost, unprepared, or just plain pissed.

Rest assured, it’s normal to feel some or all of these things. And, like the homepage says, it sucks.

Here’s the bright side: You’ll get through this, and there are lots of smart, kind, discreet professionals who can help you. My clients will tell you that I’m one of those helpful people. (Read their testimonials!)

My job is to:

  • create a safe, creative workspace where you and your soon-to-be-ex can work out the terms of your divorce in privacy

  • help you draft a Separation Agreement that features both of your voices

  • connect you to the just-right helpful professionals

  • assist you in completing your filing and stay with you to the end of your court process

  • encourage you to rise above resentment and fear

  • listen, care, and guide

My personal style is neutral-positive: I don't take sides, give advice, or make judgments, and my hope is that both you and your spouse emerge from this process feeling at peace with your agreement and proud of the way you handled yourselves. 

I am an inclusive mediator, serving families of all ages, races, sexual orientations, incomes, religions, and abilities.

So, what do you say we start moving toward bluer skies?