There are two powerful stats that demonstrate how important marital coaching can be for couples—especially those in their 40’s:

1. A spouse will think about divorce for six years before requesting one.

2. Silver divorces (involving people over 50) account for one quarter of all divorces in America. This number has doubled since 1990.

So here’s the tough lovin’ truth, my friend: If you’re in your early 40’s and your marriage is meh, the odds are not with you. It’s time to prioritize your marriage. Be present in your relationship, here and now. Your future self will worship you for it.

How coaching can help

Strained communication is the biggest threat to a healthy marriage or partnership. When a couple fights about the same thing over and over, refuses to understand each other’s perspective, or plain old stops talking, it’s time to pick up the bat phone. Sometimes a good book like The Four Agreements or Hold Me Tight can do the trick. But if you and your spouse require more accountability, coaching provides safe space to talk through challenges, break bad habits, and reinvent yourselves. You can find coaching through a destination retreat or an online class, or you can do private coaching with someone like me.

If your bat phone call leads you to me, we’ll start with an data-rich intake process then target your specific growth areas, for example, intimacy or money. For homework, you and your spouse will focus on these growth areas, serving each other as committed and loving partners. During sessions, we’ll activate mindful communication skills during productive, forward-moving conversations that result in a strong written marital agreement.

There are three types of couples I see:

Healthy couples

We see our doctors annually to make sure our bodies are fit and healthy. Why not do the same for our marriages? Think of marital coaching like a regular check-up. If there’s something “off” in your relationship, you’ll become aware of while there’s time to turn it back “on.”

Couples experiencing a major life event

The way you and your partner present to each other during big moments makes a big difference in the health of your partnerships. A supportive response during a time of stress assures your partner that they can trust you. A low-vibe reaction, like secrecy, anger, or avoidance, provides terrific fodder for future battles. By checking in with a coach prior to major life events, you and your spouse co-create a future based in mutual alignment and thoughtful care. Here are some examples:

• Getting engaged

• Having a baby

• Buying a house

• Parenting 5 to 7-year-olds (trust me here—this is when many people feel overlooked / taken for granted in their marriages and get into trouble)

• Going back to school

• Recovering from an affair

• Changing careers

• Blending a step-family

• Becoming caretaker of elderly parents

• Anticipating a change in physical abilities

• Empty nesting

• Retiring from the workforce

These are perfect moments to get on the same page, renegotiate the terms of your marriage, and most importantly avoid a divorce. This process requires your full effort, but as the saying goes, “Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. Choose your hard.”

Couples for whom divorce is just not an option

Perhaps your religion does not allow you to divorce. Perhaps you cannot afford a divorce or just don’t have the emotional or physical capacity to go through it. Perhaps you will do anything it takes to keep your family intact. Determination and commitment are HUGE factors in keeping couples together. HUGE!

If you and your spouse are fighting all the time, but absolutely fixed on staying together, it’s time to learn healthy new communication skills and create smart and compassionate agreements that will ease your interpersonal tension. Here’s a special gift for you to start making the shift out of conflict mode: https://www.orenjaysofer.com/stop-arguing. This article is so good, I wish I wrote it.

Bottom line, friend, if you’re ready to prioritize your marriage, get humble, be accountable, work hard, take risks, and maybe even get a little nooky, you’re in the just-right headspace for marital coaching.